I'm still pinching myself that it's over. Everyone says college is the best four years of life, yet I'm surprised by how true the statement is.

People are talking about how the class of 2020 will live on in history as the most resilient class because we graduated during a global pandemic. Right now, I just feel sad. We're the class that was gypped of final goodbyes and graduation pictures. We missed out on two whole months of "lasts" that I was planning to embrace with my best friends.

I keep thinking "this isn't how it was supposed to be," and I would be right by my standards. But in God's eyes, my senior year ended exactly the way it was supposed to. Before I entered college, God knew I would finish school from home home, not the home which campus became. More, He is working all things out for our good and His glory. I am comforted by the story of Joseph, who, after being sold into slavery by his own brothers and saving them from famine many years later, explains to them "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives" (Genesis 50:20).

It will likely be years before anyone can look back and see many of the ways God uses COVID-19 for good. But, when I acknowledge that this trial is part of God's sovereign plan to draw creation to Himself, I can rest in His faithfulness and trust that good is being worked out, even now.

The shift from complaining to gratitude is enormous. It is the difference between mourning the end of my senior year, and being in awe of my college experience. It is also the difference between looking back on difficult moments in college and feeling shame and embarrassment, versus celebrating growth. And dang, did we grow! It's tempting to be harsh on my past self and think of all the things I would do things differently (AKA all of freshman year). Yet after freshman year, I remember being willing to do the whole thing again, all of the insecurities included. The person I was shaped me into who I am today, and looking back harshly makes me miss out on gratitude for the season that provided so much growth. It's a practice in showing grace to our past selves for being exactly who God intended us to be in the moment.

The people who have shown me the most grace throughout the years are by far my roommates who put up with me day in and out. God knows and they definitely know that I did not do things perfectly, yet that did not take away from the sweet time we shared together. COVID-19 robbed us of 2 months together, but I have memories (both good and bad) which will last a lifetime, all of which God used to change me for good.

With all that in mind, here are my top 5 grace-filled moments with roommates and what I learned:

1. FRIENDSHIP. When I felt torn between different friend groups, I always had my roommates to rely on. There's pressure in college to be friends with everyone and have a tight-knit friend group. I didn't really succeed at either of these, but I did form an inner circle of girls who know me deeply and support me. Most of these girls I lived with for at least one year, and our roommate relationships were strengthened because we were each invested in different groups around campus. I had the freedom to engage people in many circles around campus, but when I felt I wasn't fully known, I could always return to home to the girls in my living room who loved and accepted me completely. Even though we won't live together, or even live in the same state again, I know these friendships will last a lifetime.

2. CONFLICT. It's the elephant in the room that I never want to talk about, but my roommates forced me to address. I have countless examples of times I avoided conflict and it took a roommate being direct with me to resolve the tension. I learned so much about myself and my flaws in each of these situations, and these friends graciously modeled how to fight for honesty in relationships. Some conflicts were a result of differing opinions, miscommunication, and a boatload of hurt. I wrote in my journal, "Community is so hard and being tested... truly learning to weep and laugh and experience every emotion with dear friends this year. Our love and care is being tested in the most tangible of ways." As difficult as these conversations were, they ultimately strengthened our friendships because we chose to still love and respect one another.

3. CONFIDENCE. Our differences strengthened our confidence in ourselves and our unique abilities. I learned to see the world through the eyes of English Writing, English Literature, Applied Health Science, Christian Formation & Ministry, and International Relations majors. I learned how my lens of music is completely different, and that's a good thing! I was the one who scheduled worship nights, but others organized soccer games at the gym or long runs in the rain. They threw fun parties, cooked good food, talked about good books, and made beautiful paintings. We each contribute something different to the world, and that was a blessing to discover and see modeled in such confident and talented roommates. Each year took me deeper into conversation, challenged my ideas, and was steeped in prayer as we carried one another's burdens to the Lord and emerged with more strength.

4. FUN. My roommates convinced me there is a theology of fun, where we learn more about Jesus by being playful together. I often take myself too seriously and turn off my goofy side when I'm busy. Thankfully, I lived with girls who know how to have a good time, so it often didn't take much convincing to put my work aside and just be together. From road trips to dance parties in the street and in the light of the green cactus, we experienced the freedom and joy that comes from being vulnerable and completely ourselves. I would give anything to go to another concert, see the sunrise in Chicago, make a late night run for donuts or Andy's, or spend the afternoon at a coffee shop. I'd even climb a roof, crawl through a sketchy tunnel, pull an all-nighter, eat an entire Los burrito, and skip class to get Starbucks (all of which we may or may not have done before).

5. REAL LIFE. We had our first taste of independence, and learned life is messy but oh so beautiful. Who knew using the oven on the first day in our first apartment would set off the carbon monoxide detector and get the fire department called? Real life is laughing at ourselves when we do stupid things, and laughing at each other. It's freaking out about a stink bug that's caught in the vacuum cleaner. It's running a mile to the grocery store to buy chocolate cereal. It's buying flowers just because. It's sneaking a Wendy's frosty into the library for a roommate at 11pm. It's stopping everything to comfort and cry with a hurting roommate, and then making a music video to cheer her up. It's popping each other's blisters and cleaning up the mess of leaking toilets. It's failing at making an apple pie and laughing until everything hurts. It's spending all night watching movie trailers because we can't decide which one to watch. Most of all, it's sharing our hearts and our dreams around a good meal. And now that college is over, it's looking back with grace for our mistakes and gratitude for our growth.

So to Milligannon, MEAK, and the Gal Pals, thank you for loving, supporting, challenging and being patient with me. You each have given me so much grace and shown me more of Jesus. It is such a joy and privilege to call you my friends and roomies!