Grace Upon Grace
"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen; not only because I see it but because by it I see everything else.” - C.S. Lewis
I can't prove that God exists, but I can point you to a lot of evidence that He does. Psalm 19:1 says "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." God reveals Himself to us through creation--in the majesty of mountains, the endless horizon of the ocean, the colors in the forests, and the chirping of the birds.
God is also revealed in the longings we all experience: longings for home, relationship, stability, financial security, perfection. These longings awaken our desires but never satisfy because what we truly long for is God Himself.
What I want most is control. I love to understand myself, understand and fix others, and do the entire group project because I believe I will do it better anyways. I take great pride in what I have accomplished, to the point I want to be known for my productivity and success. And yet when I'm honest with myself, there is so little in life that I can truly control. My successes due to talent or hard work are only a result of gifts and resources that God has given me. On my own, I am powerless, broken, and needy. I am especially aware of my lack of control as covid-19 reeks havoc across the world, and I find myself trapped at home and powerless even to control my annoyance towards my family.
The apostle Paul describes it well when he writes: "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." Romans 7:15-20
I'm right there with Paul--doing what I know is wrong and hating the sin that is within me. I am a Christian, and also a hypocrite, which is precisely why I am a Christian. The Christian faith holds in tension my propensity to do what is wrong, and my deep longings and belief that I was made for more. In my flesh, I am powerless to save myself from the sin that dominates my life. That is why I am so desperate for Jesus Christ, the Son of God who came to earth to live the perfect life that I am incapable of living. He died on the cross as a punishment for my sins, and conquered death by rising from the grave. Simply by believing Jesus died the death I deserve, I have received grace upon grace from God who forgives my trespasses and brings me into right relationship with himself. In response to His great love for me, I daily choose to lay down my life, dying to myself, my desires, and my control, recognizing that God is much more capable of directing my life than I am.
Lest I make the Christian life sound easy and painless, the Bible says we will face trials of many kinds (James 1:2). I usually do not want to follow Jesus' example and pick up my cross, and I often don't even want to repent of the ways I continue to sin. It isn't easy to put others' needs before my own, to let go of my plans, and accept that God is still good when there is so much evil in the world. However, it is for these moments I am given the gifts of prayer, scripture, and the Holy Spirit to remind me that I am promised abundant and eternal life through Jesus Christ (John 3:16). Furthermore, faith in a perfect, sovereign, and loving God means I do not need to grasp for answers to the big questions in life, nor do I need to be in control, even of my brokenness. Entrusting my life in all its imperfection to God who both created and satisfies my longings for acceptance, love, and security, is the only way to find the peace that I crave.