I'm a perfectionistic go-getter and workaholic who is motivated by productivity and achievement. That might sound impressive, but it's actually a problem.

In my incredibly fast pace of life, I'm able to accomplish a lot. I thrive on busyness. I enjoy needing to run off to the next thing. I enjoy feeling needed, and like I'm earning people's love and appreciation.

When I'm busy, I don't have time to stop and think about how I'm doing on the inside. I don't have time to hear the still, small voice of the Spirit that beckons me to slow down and rest. If I'm honest, I prefer to drown out this voice by pushing myself harder.

I've known my tendency to overwork and overcommit is a problem that is years in the making, but it truly became an addiction. If I could succeed in something that would look impressive, I would say yes regardless of how much I was already juggling. I convinced myself I didn't know any other way to live; that I'm driven by achievement, therefore I must pursue every opportunity for success. I believed I function best in busyness, until I was laying on my bed last fall crying and drowning under the pressure of my commitments. Until I was physically sick with anxiety that I wouldn't perform to my usual standards. Until a global pandemic forced me to leave college and the majority of my commitments behind.

One of the few commitments I was able to continue away from campus was the class Spiritual Guidance and Discernment. I signed up hoping to leave with a step-by-step list of how to find and do God's will. Secretly, I hoped it would affirm my decisions about how I spend my time. Instead, I found myself at the beginning of a long, winding path that will take a lifetime to journey.

I'm learning discernment is not about finding God's will, as if it's a sign in the sky saying "go here" or "marry this person." Rather, God's will is an invitation to pay attention to His still, small voice. An invitation to sit with Him and let my heart become more like His. To walk through life with Jesus as my Good Shepherd. An invitation to read the Word and live out God's will that is already articulated: that I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind, and that I love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:37-39).

In slowing down, I'm learning to recognize God's voice as opposed to my own thoughts misguiding me. Ultimately, I've learned I am at my best when I am resting in the loving embrace of my Father who asks me to perform because I am loved, not to earn love. I simply need to come, find rest for my weary soul and let Him be my strength.

This journey of discerning God's will is much different than I expected. It looks like a lot less doing and a lot more being present. The voice that I have been pushing away in my busyness now invites me to waste time simply adoring who God is: a relational God, a loving Father, a servant King, and a faithful husband and provider to His bride, the church. It's not until I stop and KNOW God as such by communing with Him and slowing down, that I am most self-aware. I am God's beloved daughter; that is all that defines me.

I have been so focused on producing fruit, that I've forgotten to let God tend to my roots first. Healthy roots always come before good fruits! As one of my pastors shared last week, the fruit of our life grows from what is at the root of our life. If control and self-sufficiency are at my roots, my resources will dry up quickly. But, if I realize I can't choose what's best for myself--even the way I use my time--then my roots are freed to soak up the living water that Jesus offers.

As I walk through this season where externally I am producing less, I know that internally my roots are deepening and taking in a long-overdue drink. Jesus is restoring life to my weary soul, and preparing me for a healthier life and ministry as I remain rooted in Him.

I have found Jeremiah 17 to be a helpful comparison between the life of busyness and self-sufficiency I'm tempted to live, and the life of strength and fruit that I hope to live.

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come" (Jeremiah 17:5-6)

versus...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

This chapter describes the human heart as "deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?" (verse 9). Thankfully, our Maker understands, and offers a better way: to trust His heart for us. To commit our ways to the Lord, and He will make our paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6). To let Jesus care for our roots by filling us with living water, that we might be anxious for nothing and never cease to bear sweet fruit.