The Stage

As a musician, I've spent a lot of time on the stage. I don't have stage fright, but I cope with nerves by mentally putting a wall between the audience and myself when I perform. I tell myself this is helpful, but it can make me feel like I'm being observed through a window. Like there's a glass wall where the audience can look at me, but they can't really know me, so I'm safe. This makes it easier for me to hide my emotion, or make a quick escape if I mess up.

I find that the same mental wall I put up on stage transfers to a wall of pride in all areas of life. I start to walk around as if I'm always on stage, constantly performing and on display for other people to critique. I become overly aware of attention and make assumptions about what others are thinking. I mask my insecurity with false confidence, and my body language warns people to keep their distance, when in reality the authentic Addie is hiding and longing to not just be seen, but known.

It's quite comical to admit the places I act like I'm on stage, assuming that because I'm thinking about myself, everyone else must be too. For example, when I run at the gym, I'm more focused on my desire to be noticed than I am on my workout. When I talk to friends, I'm tempted to build up a good image of myself, instead of really hearing and supporting them. In the middle of an orchestra concert, I'm sometimes thinking more about how I look on camera than making beautiful music which ministers to the audience. When I walk through public places, I look around wondering who is brave enough to start a conversation with me instead of taking initiative myself to smile or encourage someone. These are all stages that I walk across, pridefully acting as though the world revolves around me; hoping that people see me, think well of me (thus affirming my insecurities), and come talk to me. Though I desire real connection with people, anything less causes me to self-protect and distance myself from others.

I've lived most of my life on a stage because I've believed if I get down on the same level with someone without any walls between us--if I'm really known--I won't be liked or accepted. Fear holds me back from believing the most beautiful thing I can do is be myself. These walls I hide behind seem ridiculous when I realize the most attractive thing about any person is seeing them be authentic. I love watching people dance in public, make faces to a friend across the room, and jump up and down in worship. These are windows into who they really are--into their authentic selves. However, most of these occurrences happen when people are unaware anyone is watching. As soon as we are aware of how we are being perceived, insecurity drives us back into hiding. One Direction was onto something with their line "You don't know you're beautiful; that's what makes you beautiful."

Any stage can be a place of authenticity. The most compelling performances are those in which musicians or actors express themselves freely and vulnerably. I expect this authenticity from others, but it's much harder to demand it from myself. Though it's more frightening, my best violin performances have happened when I am not afraid to look at the audience and let them see my heart. Often making eye contact with an audience member motivates me because I realize they are there for me, not just my music. I play better when I know I am loved regardless of my performance. In fact, I play best when I am not performing at all, I am simply pouring out my heart in worship, unaware of how the music is affecting people.

I think I've understood performance wrongly. We learn performance is not about perfection, it's about giving a gift to the audience. But maybe the gift isn't the talent or the music at all. Maybe the best gift anyone can give others is authenticity--offering themselves.

Furthermore, maybe it's not about getting off the stages where we perform. I know it's impossible in my own strength to tear down the walls I've hid behind and the habits I've engaged for most of my life. Maybe it's about inviting others onto our stages, and welcoming them into the places where we feel most confident and insecure all at once. With the help of the Spirit, we then begin to share ourselves in an up-close and vulnerable way, and invite others to bring their authentic selves as well. With this mindset, my whole life becomes a stage for God to work. Everything I do becomes an opportunity to display the unique passions and giftings God has given me, simply by being myself.

The stage is also a place of hospitality. By being relaxed and open, I communicate that 'all of you is welcome here, even the parts that you, like myself, are tempted to hide'. The best hosts do not act as if there is a divide between themselves and the guests, but they ask people to make themselves at home. The best performers do not act as if there is a divide between themselves and the audience, they simply open the stage and their hearts for people to feel at home.

Authentic people are real, flawed, imperfect, and honest people who embrace their humanity rather than hide it. Authenticity is unpredictable, vulnerable, and nerve-racking, yet beautiful and contagious. We long for this true connection with people where we are deeply known and loved, but fear holds us back from being seen on the stage at all. We sit on the bench because we're scared of failing at the game, or maybe we don't know how to play. Thankfully, we have a coach who came to earth to teach us how to value our humanity which was made in the image of God Himself. Jesus came to free us from the need live in fear, to cover up our mistakes, and to hide who we were created to be. The cross became the ultimate stage: a picture of the truest authenticity, hospitality, and vulnerability the world has seen. Jesus didn't perform, He simply displayed His humanity in a death which we are all deserving of. Three days later he displayed His Deity when He was raised from the dead, tearing down every dividing wall between us and God. Now, as believers, we have the same Spirit that raised Christ living in us, and He is more than capable of tearing down the walls of insecurity and pride that we hide behind. Through Jesus, we are promised that we are known and loved by God who invites us every day into the practice of authenticity on His stage.

Friends, let's practice authenticity in every area of life, until we're no longer performing but simply opening our hearts to share the beauty that is already within us. Let's offer the gift of ourselves to others, as Christ gave Himself up for us.